The Worst Rescue Mission Ever
by Kyarorain
Summary: It all started with a mysteriously soggy piece of paper with a hole in it. Suddenly, Felix, Garet and Sheba have found themselves on a mission to rescue Jenna from the clutches of Alex, who claims he is not involved.


**The Worst Rescue Mission Ever**

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Hopefully, you'll enjoy this humorous little story. I know I did. It's all good fun with a little character bashing. But, honestly, how can you NOT bash Alex? 

Camelot owns Golden Sun. I simply claim nothing.

* * *

"Hello!" Sheba sang, dancing over the doorstep and positively sailing into the house while waving paper over her head. "I've got a letter!" An exhausted pigeon flapped miserably behind her before diving beak first into the floor.

A quick search of the house revealed that nobody was in here.

"Huh, suit yourselves then," Sheba sniffed, sitting at the dining table which just happened to be sopping wet. Obviously, somebody had been rather clumsy and not bothered to clean up. Well, it wasn't her mess so she wasn't going to bother. Sheba started reading the letter.

_Hi, guys!_

_I can't say it's exciting in sunny, warm Contigo. In fact, it's terribly frightening. I accidentally let slip to Hama that I was frightened of Anemos Sanctum, especially after we met that… thing there!_ (Ivan could not bear to say or even hear the word Dullahan. His friends had to say "The D word" around him, unless they felt mercilessly cruel ie. Garet) _So now Hama keeps sending me in there and it's terrifying! I don't care if I'm a descendant of the Anemos, I keep wondering what they were thinking making a place like this!_

_Hama brought Feizhi over for a visit once. That girl just can't stop talking about Isaac all the time. She said she'd mistaken Felix for Isaac once. I now think that Feizhi may be partially blind, because Felix definitely does not look like Isaac. Feizhi creeps me out too. She said she heard a voice telling her to kill. We eventually found Gust hiding underneath her cape. He remembered her for her voices and thought it would be funny to tease her about it. Djinn are so pesky._

_I hope that you can all come to visit sometime. Don't worry, Isaac, Feizhi left the other day. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up in Vale._

_Take care, everyone._

_Ivan._

Sheba smirked. She remembered a fun time she had once hiding under Ivan's bed and waiting until he seemed to be near sleep before letting out a booming laughter and saying as sinisterly as possible, **_"I AM THE SHADOW, DULLAHAN, THE BRINGER OF DEATH! I HAVE RETURNED AND I WILL SMITE YOU DOWN! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

At least, that's how it should have gone. Sheba broke out into a coughing fit after 'Buahaha-' and Ivan immediately realized that Dullahan was not underneath his bed. Still, his face had been pretty pale when he yelled at her for scaring him and as far as she was concerned, her work had been done.

Sheba put the letter down with a smile and noticed that there was a soggy piece of paper on the table with a hole in it. Sheba was not used to seeing soggy pieces of paper with holes in them. Thus, her curiosity was provoked and of course she immediately grabbed the note.

_Dear Felix, Isaac, Garet, Mia, Sheba, etc_

_I have decided to leave the village for a very long time. I do not want you to find me. Otherwise I will slaughter all the ducks in Weyard. Try again and I will slaughter all the turkeys._

_Love, Jenna_

_PS. Alex is cool. Screw you, Garet._

Alarm bells were immediately ringing in Sheba's mind. There was supposed to be a rule about not leaving Vale unless it was a dire emergency. Besides, Jenna loved Vale so why would she want to run off? And as far as Sheba knew, Jenna had never had a murderous urge to commit avicide, neither had she ever so much as cursed ducks or turkeys. And then there was her hailing of Alex and telling Garet to basically get lost.

You did not push aside your childhood friend, best friend and most likely boyfriend for some evil megalomaniac dictator. Jenna might have left the village, but this was not her note. Besides, the messy handwriting couldn't be hers. Her handwriting was nice and neat.

Sheba looked back at the large puddle and then to the hole in the paper. An ice spear could have been driven through this piece of paper and then it would have melted. This could only mean one thing. Mia wasn't into walking into houses and attacking pieces of paper. Piers was hardly a candidate because he was in Lemuria, having managed to get back in when he threatened to tell everybody where it was. Apparently, they had all forgotten about the fog and the Sea of Time.

"Alex!" Sheba exclaimed. "Alex must have taken Jenna and written this note. I've got to find the others and tell them!"

Sheba found Isaac and Mia in the top of a tree, kissing passionately. She yelled something up at them about Alex. However, Mia yelled back and cursed her for mentioning Alex and threw a mango at her head. Sheba limped away with a brand new bump on her head.

Now she had to find Garet or Felix. Sheba tried to predict who would react more calmly. Felix would go berserk. Garet might cry. Well, she could just take the crybaby first and then deal with a berserk Venus Adept. Sheba skipped off to find Garet.

"It's aqua!"

"No, it's cyan!"

"It's aqua!"

"Cyan!"

"Aqua!"

"Cyan!"

Sheba stopped and blinked. Garet was holding a blue dress and Felix was gesturing wildly at it. Perhaps the dress had annoyed Felix. Felix did get easily annoyed. Especially when people compared him to kitties. Sheba didn't understand why. Felix seemed to have some irrational fear of cats.

"Um, Garet, Felix?" Sheba blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Garet bought a dress." Felix rolled his eyes. "I just happened to say it was a nice shade of aqua and he went ballistic and yelled that the shopkeeper said it was cyan, so it had to be cyan."

"IT IS!"

"Um, aqua and cyan are the same colour." Sheba raised an eyebrow. "Who is the dress for?"

"Jenna!" Garet exclaimed. "I brought it as a present for her."

"Jenna never wears blue," Felix protested. "She says it's too depressing."

"Really?" Garet's face fell. "Oh, drat. Well, maybe I could give this to Isaac to give to Mia. What colour should I get her then? Magenta?"

"No, fuchsia," Sheba said sarcastically. "Fuchsia looks a lot better than magenta."

"I like magenta better." Garet crossed his arms and looked petulant. Sheba slapped her forehead.

"Have you noticed we never change our clothes anyway?" Felix pointed out.

"Yeah, that's weird." Garet frowned. "And do we ever wash? Where?"

"Guys!" Sheba interrupted. "Jenna has been kidnapped by Alex!"

"**_WHAT!" _**Felix screamed. Sheba winced.

"Nooooooo!" Garet wailed.

"Here, look at this note." Sheba thrust the note into Felix's hands. He read it and then started stringing out a sentence filled with descriptive things he would like to do to Alex, littered with questionable words. Garet pried the note out of Felix's hands and read it.

"Screw you, Garet!" Garet gasped. "Alex is going to pay!"

"Yes, just as I thought," Sheba said dryly. "Let's go find him."

And so, Felix, Garet and Sheba set off out of the village on their merry little adventure to save Jenna from the clutches of the evil Alex. Little did they care for the fate of ducks and turkeys. Pesky birds kept pooping all over the place anyway. It was rumored the Wise One had an intense loathing of pigeons for that very reason.

"Look!" Sheba pointed. "There's a castle in those mountains over there!"

"Wow, there wasn't a castle there before." Garet gaped.

"How stupid can he get?" Felix grinned. "Let's go kick the pretty boy's ass!"

"He's not pretty," Garet protested. "He's ugly."

"Yes, he is that too," Felix sighed. Garet just didn't get it. "Now let's go into the creepy dark castle and save my sister already!"

Unfortunately, nobody realized that creepy dark castles had magically slamming doors. Magically slamming doors that slammed behind them and seemed to plan on never opening ever again. Garet screamed. Felix shouted at him. Sheba felt like casting Spark Plasma. Did those two ever stop arguing?

Felix, Garet and Sheba started walking through the dark and creepy castle. After an age of seeing the same stone walls, the same stone floors, the same stone ceilings, they began to feel very bored. Felix couldn't even curse Alex in ballistic rage anymore.

Things finally started to look up when they reached a door. Somebody had been creative and written on it in blood. 'ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER.' It declared.

"Eh, we Valeans don't know the meaning of hope." Garet shrugged. "We are pessimists."

"Yeah, exactly," Felix pushed open the door and the two walked through, leaving Sheba thunderstruck. SHE had hope! Still, they had gone through now. Sheba danced on her feet nervously and glanced behind her, wondering if she should just go through anyway.

Something moved behind her.

Sheba blinked and turned around slowly.

"_**AAAUUUUUGH!"**_

"Did you hear that?" Garet asked.

"Sheba?" Felix looked back. "Sheba!"

"Oh, she probably didn't want to abandon hope," Garet said sourly, walking onwards. "We can just get her on the way back out."

"But…" Felix started to protest. Hmm, maybe Sheba was going to be okay. She could cast Spark Plasma after all.

"This castle sucks!" Garet complained. "I bet Alex's evil plan is to make us die of boredom by walking through his boring castle!"

"Well, if you're so bored, don't bother then," Felix snapped. "You just go back to Vale and I'll save Jenna by myself."

"No way," Garet said stubbornly. "I am going to save Jenna as well. I am going to be her knight in shining armor!"

"Moron in unwashed clothes, more like it," Felix muttered.

"Hey, my mom washes my clothes." Garet pointed out. "So they are clean, thank you very much."

"Then what the hell is that stink?"

"It's you! You're a stinky Venus Adept!"

"You're a stinky Mars Adept!"

"Poohead!"

"Greedy pig!"

"Your mom!"

Felix blinked. That had made no sense. His mother what? "Sure, Garet, you go ahead and insult my mother. I'll just tell Jenna later."

"Ohh… crap!" Garet exclaimed. "Jenna's mother is your mother!"

Felix did not want to know how long it had taken Garet to figure that out.

They walked on in annoyed silence. Garet was feeling even more pissed. That door had told him to abandon hope. Well, everything looked exactly the same. The jerk had probably put that there for dramatic effect. Maybe it wasn't even blood at all, it was red paint or something!

"Maybe that door didn't tell us to stop hoping," Garet said suddenly. "Maybe it meant if you had a girl named Hope with you, you should leave her behind and go on without her."

"Oh, shut up, Garet," Felix sighed.

"Aren't I clever?" Garet bragged.

"Yes, yes, very clever." Felix's shoulders slumped. He wanted Sheba. She would stop him from losing his sanity. He couldn't even remember to be pissed off with Alex anymore. "You are so very clever. I have no idea what I would do without your utter incompetence."

"Thanks," Garet smiled. "You're pretty nice after all," Felix immediately felt a little guilty for calling him incompetent. He hadn't even understood. "And I think that you're… in… im…potent too."

"Incompetent!" Felix screamed. Hold on. Had he just called himself incompetent? He was going to slaughter Garet right now. No one would hear his cries for help, would they? Nah.

However, something happened to prevent Felix from lunging for Garet and beating him to a pulp. It happened to be Jenna running frantically around the corner and gasping for breath.

"Felix! Garet!" Jenna exclaimed. "You're here?"

"Jenna!" Felix cried. "Oh, thank Iris!" He ran over and pulled her into a hug. Garet had just been about to do the same. He glared at Felix's back. "Are you okay? Where's Alex?"

"I escaped," Jenna breathed heavily. "Alex took his eyes off me so I ran for it. Well, we can just go back to Vale now. Let's go."

"I was so worried about you, Jenna," Garet said. "I'm glad you're okay. Let's go back now. We can kick Alex's ass later if he comes for you again. Right, Felix?"

"Hold on," Felix said suddenly. "Alex can warp. It's strange that he didn't just stop you. How far did you run?"

"Why are you asking such stupid questions?" Jenna demanded. "I don't know why he didn't warp in and stop me, he just didn't! Now let's go back to Vale already. Come on, Felix!" She grabbed his hand. "Let's go!"

"Yeah, stop being so stupid, Felix," Garet said. "I'm taking back what I said about you being incompetent."

Teaching Garet the wrong words was hilarious, Felix had to admit, but he didn't feel like laughing right now. Something was off here. Alex had let Jenna get away and she seemed awfully eager to get back to Vale. Wouldn't Jenna be showing them the way to Alex so that they could kick his butt?

"Shouldn't we go and defeat Alex first?" Felix asked.

"I don't want to!" Jenna complained. "I want to go back home right now. Let's forget about Alex." She sulkily let go of Felix and walked past them. "Come on!"

"You're a weirdo, Felix." Garet started following Jenna. Felix bristled. Garet was clearly sucking up to Jenna. He knew that Garet was actually wishing he could beat up Alex as much as Felix did, but he was siding with Jenna. Or what might be Jenna, if not for the lack of her fiery vengeance.

"Hold on!" Felix exclaimed, stopping them in their tracks. "Jenna, can I just ask you a few questions?"

"Alex could catch up with us," Jenna protested. "Just hurry up, Felix."

Of course he could. He could catch up with them anywhere. Was she forgetting he could warp? Anyway, he had to ask her some very important questions.

"Jenna, what was your favourite lullaby when you were little?" Felix asked.

"Did you bump your head?" Garet demanded.

"Shut up!"

"Um, geez," Jenna sighed, rolling her eyes. "I dunno… Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?"

Damn. She was right. He needed to ask a question that only Jenna might know. Something secret… of course!

"Hey, remember that secret handshake we used to do?"

"I remember it," Garet said. "Want to do it?"

"No, I want to do it with Jenna," Felix argued.

"Poopie." Garet glared at him. "You are a big meanie. I'm going to go and do it with Isaac then!" Whatever. Felix didn't care.

"Um…" Jenna blinked as Felix raised a hand. "I… forgot?"

There was no way she forgot. They taught it to Sheba and Piers too when they caught the siblings doing the handshake and wanted in on it. That had been less than a year ago.

"You forgot?" Garet exclaimed. "Here, I'll show you."

"No, she didn't," Felix interrupted. "That's not Jenna!"

"What?" Jenna looked at him in astonishment. "What are you talking about? I am your sister!"

"Huh…" Garet frowned. "Hey, Jenna, do you remember the time when Isaac put his feet through the roof?"

"Yeah, I do!" Jenna exclaimed. "How could I forget that? Felix, really, you are being very silly."

"Isaac didn't put his feet through the roof," Garet said. "It was me."

"Gah!" Jenna exploded, her voice coming out deep and raspy which alarmed Felix and Garet. "So you have figured me out!" She transformed into a witch wearing a purple robe and pointy hat with green hair. "I am the Transforming Sorceress, Belladonna, and I will smite you all! ACK!"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Felix pulled the Sol Blade out of her chest. "Was I not supposed to attack while you were talking?"

"DAMN YOU!" Belladonna screamed as she exploded.

"Good one, Felix." Garet looked shocked. "Guess we should keep going. The real Jenna's got to be in the castle somewhere."

There were fortunately no more mishaps as they walked on and on through the castle. The most exciting thing to happen was going up staircases. After a while, Felix began mentally counting them. Ten staircases so far. What kind of stupid and lousy castle was this?

Garet began to hum under his breath. Felix twitched, but reminded himself that they were both intently bored and clearly needed something to do. If Garet wanted to just hum, he might as well just ignore it.

"Are we there yet?" Garet groaned.

"No," Felix replied as they walked up the tenth staircase. "We are not there yet. This place is ridiculous. Even Air's Rock was better then this."

"Ninety nine green bottles on the wall, ninety nine green bottles," Garet started singing. "Take one down and swing it around. Ninety eight green bottles on the wall, ninety eight green bottles…" Felix joined in for the heck of it and they were nearly at five green bottles left when they found that there were no more staircases left and there was a large door fixed straight ahead of them. It was tightly locked with the use of several bolts. There was a huge sign on it saying "LAUNDRY ROOM."

"Laundry room?" Garet scoffed. "Does he really expect us to fall for that?"

"Apparently he did." Felix rushed to the door and pulled back the bolts. The two stepped into the room, expecting to see a maniacally cackling Alex and his captive. However, there was just a note. Garet snatched up the note and cried out as he read it. Felix took it from him, read it and immediately yelled out a series of rude words.

_I am not here, silly! Did you really think I would be right next to Vale. I am actually a very long way away. In case you suspect Alex, he is innocent. Come after me again and I will proceed to kill geese and gineaufowl. I am actually in another castle, but I am not telling you where it is. Here is a clue: It is NOT west of Mikasalla. Don't waste your time going there._

_Jenna_

"We went all this way for nothing!" Garet exclaimed. "This sucks! Now we have to walk all the way back and…"

"No, we don't." Felix cast Retreat and they returned to the front of the castle. Garet sighed in relief. The two pissed Adepts walked out of the castle and found Sheba tied up outside.

"Sheba!" Felix exclaimed, quickly untying her. "Who tied you up?"

"Some woman with green hair." Sheba grimaced. "Did you see her?"

"Oh yeah, Felix speared her while she was talking and she blew up." Garet grinned. "It was so cool!"

"Was Jenna not there?" Sheba asked.

"No, she's in another castle," Felix sighed. "We're going to go to Mikasalla now. The note said not to go west of there." He held up the Teleport Lapis and they all disappeared in a Pretty Rainbowy Swirl of Light™.

The Pretty Rainbowy Swirl of Light™ reappeared outside of Mikasalla. Mikasalla actually looked really exciting now. Garet blinked and rubbed his eyes. Just how had that happened? It was hailed as The Most Boring Town on Weyard for a reason. Suhalla had come close, but it was next to a desert. Deserts were fun. Kids kept going in and riding the tornadoes. Even though they weren't supposed to.

The Adepts headed west and eventually they found the castle. They all looked at it aghast, unable to believe what they were seeing.

"PINK?" Felix shouted. "With baby blue décor?"

"That is absurd." Sheba winced. "Why on Weyard does Alex have a pastel colored castle?"

"It's Alex," Garet said knowingly. "Do we need a reason?"

The traumatized Adepts walked into the castle and were even more traumatized to find themselves attacked by floating clouds. Of course, these clouds were easy to defeat. This castle was simply horrendous. The walls were pink and blue and sparkled brightly. Sometimes they passed doors with labels. Some of them were disturbingly labeled things like 'Powder Room'. Felix imagined Alex powdering his face. Somehow, that didn't seem so unlikely. He was probably secretly an insane hermaphrodite.

Luckily, this castle wasn't as big as the other one. That was just as well, because Garet had started to sing the green bottle song again, starting at five hundred green bottles. Well, Sheba threatened him, but it didn't work.

And now there was a door with a note on it that said 'ALEX IS NOT HERE. DO NOT COME IN.'

"Why does Alex deny he's behind this, and then tell us he is involved?" Garet asked.

"It's Alex!" Sheba exclaimed. "That's why!"

The door blew off its hinges as Felix cast Grand Gaia. He was sick and tired of doors. Doors no longer deserved to be treated nicely. The three marched into the room and were immensely satisfied to find Alex standing at a window and examining his reflection in a mirror. Jenna was in the corner of the room, sitting on a chair. There was rope on the floor and she seemed to be pretending she was tied up. Evidently, Alex had tied her up but she had untied herself and was waiting for a chance to escape.

"Garet, Felix, Sheba!" Jenna exclaimed happily.

"Hey, Jenna!" Sheba grinned. "You're okay?"

"Yeah, but Alex is scaring me a bit."

"So, you have come!" Alex turned to face two very pissed Adepts who seemed about to charge him, while a third stood behind them and watched. "I did not expect you to find my humble lair. Good work."

"Why did you kidnap Jenna?" Garet snarled.

"I plan to build an empire," Alex swept his arms grandly. "I will take over the world and I need a bride to sit with me so that we can rule together. I have chosen Jenna to be my bride and I will not let you have her back. Ah, I can see you are drawing your swords. However, I cannot be defeated so easily! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

Felix tiredly walked up to Alex, who was distracted by his bout of evil laughter in which he looked up to the heavens and laughed with his shoulders shaking, Sephiroth style. Felix swirled the Sol Blade around and slammed the hilt into Alex's crotch as hard as he could.

"Eeeeeeee!" Alex squealed, his voice hitting a high pitch and he fell down to assume the fetal position, his entire body shaking with pain. "EEEEEEEEEE!"

"Make him stop squealing!" Sheba had her hands over her ears. The window behind Alex shattered.

"Should we torture him first or just finish him off?" Garet asked, walking up to the shuddering lump.

"Here's his torture," Felix cut off Alex's long hair.

"**NOOOOOOOOOO!"**

"How about Alex kebabs?" Jenna had grabbed a random sword left lying around and walked up. "On the count of three…"

"One," Felix started, raising the Sol Blade.

"Two," Garet raised the Levatine.

"Three!" Jenna shouted, raising the random sword.

"**AUGH!"** Alex withered as he got speared. "You… may have defeated me… but… this… is not the end… I SHALL BE BACK!" He went still.

"Yeah, whatever." Sheba rolled her eyes. "They always say that."

"Thank goodness you guys came when you did." Jenna smiled. "The pink and blue was driving me crazy. How can the two colours possibly co-exist together? I mean, one's really girly and cheerful just like me and blue is all depressing and such."

"Yeah, let's get out of here." Felix cast Retreat and the Adepts returned to the front of the castle. However, Garet had something to say before they returned to Vale.

"Jenna, the thought of you being Alex's bride made my blood run cold," Garet told her. "Because, you know, you should be mine and…" He saw Felix's stare. "Oh, right, first things first, huh? Jenna, I love you!" He proclaimed.

"Garet… I love you too!" Jenna beamed, and the two melted into a passionate embrace.

"I totally saw that coming," Sheba grinned. "Didn't you?"

"Of course," Felix rubbed the back of his head. "He's been crushing on her since they were thirteen. He just never had the guts to tell her."

"Felix!" Garet exclaimed.

"Aww." Jenna hugged Garet. "You could have just told me, silly!"

"Okay," Felix loudly. "Back to Vale!"

Once more, the Pretty Rainbowy Swirl of Light™ spirited the Adepts back to Vale. And they all lived happily ever after. Or did they? Who knows? But one thing's for sure, Felix and Garet both agree that it was the worst rescue mission ever. Sheba can't comment because she spent most of it tied up.


End file.
